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SESSION 16A: WOE IS ME 

(An extra-campaignal affair)

THREE OF THE WORLD'S UNSUNG LEGENDARY HEROES: THE SENILE RABBI, BUBBA THE GNOME, AND BUCKETFACE SET OFF TO SAVE THE UNIVERSE. OY VEY! AFTER MANY HOLES IN THE VERY FABRIC OF REALITY, THEY FINALLY TRACKED DOWN A BIG OL' BADDY, SO THEY SET SAIL TO GET'M. THEY SAW A FUNKY ISLAND IN THE DISTANCE--SIDEWAYS TREES, A RAINBOW COLORED BEACH, WAVES TRAVELING THE WRONG WAY, AND A SIGN THAT SAID: "HOLLYWOOD." LET'S GO! THEY SAID. THE SHIP-HANDS READIED A SMALL BOAT, BUT THEY MOSTLY JUST FLEW OVER THERE AND TOLD THE WEAKLINGS TO GTFO.

ONCE THERE, THEY FOUND THAT THE AREA WAS POPULATED BY SMALL GLOWING STARS AND BLACK HOLES THAT SUCKED UP STUFF AND THEN POOPED THINGS LIKE SHINY ROCKS. SWEET GOOGLY WOOGLY! I WANT SOME O' DAT! SAID BUCKETFACE, SO HE PUT A SAPPHIRE ON HIS HAND AND A TREE BRANCH ON HIS BUCKET FACE. BUBBA THE GNOME REMINDED RABBI OF SOMEONE A COUPLE DOZEN TIMES, BUT THEY DECIDED TO GO INTO TOWN. IT WAS MADE UP GOLD AND SILVER AND BRONZE AND COPPER AND OTHER SHINY THINGS. WHAT IS THE DEAL, THEY SAID, BUT NO ONE TOLD THEM WHAT THE DEAL WAS.

THEY HEARD SOMETHING ABOUT SOME KIND OF GOD. MAYBE THAT'S THE GUY WE'RE LOOKING FOR! NOW WHERE IS THAT LITTLE SHIT MALACHI? OH NO! HE'S TRYING RAPE A LITTLE GIRL! SO THEN BUBBA TURNED INTO A LITTLE GIRL. CAN'T CATCH ME! HE SAID. BUT HE GOT CAUGHT. OY VEY SAID THE RABBI WHO DIDN'T LIKE THE SAND BETWEEN HIS TOES. WE MUST KILL MALACHI SAID BUCKETFACE. SO THEY DIDN'T KILL MALACHI, BUT THE GOD CAME AND TOOK THE GIRL. OH NO.

SO THEY WENT TO FIND THE GOD, AND WENT UNDER GROUND. OH, THERE'S THAT GOD WITH THE LITTLE GIRL WITH THE BONDAGE FETISH! SO THEY ATTACKED. AND ATTACKED. JEWS FEAR THE SAMURAI. BUBBA AND BUCKETFACE WALLOPED. RABBI SHOAH'D HIM. IT IS NOT WORKING, THEY SAID, SO THEY DECIDED TO KILL THE GIRL INSTEAD. NO! THAT'S MY GIRL SAID THE GOD, AND HE WISHED SHE WAS OKAY. WE DON'T LIKE GIRLS, NO HOMO, SAID THE HEROES, AND THEY KILLED HER. FINE! PEACE OUT, SAID THE GOD. AND THE WORLD WAS SAFE ONCE MORE.